


Technicolour

by celestialseok



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arranged Marriage, Child Abuse, Coma, Fluff and Angst, Getting to Know Each Other, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Trauma, i didn’t realise how much there actually is until recently, it’s a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-09-28 01:06:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17172926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestialseok/pseuds/celestialseok
Summary: Seo Changbin was a rainbow but he saw himself in black and white.





	1. PROLOGUE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi this is my first fic on here i hope it's to your liking :)
> 
> i had to modify the members' ages to make them fit with the plot so here they are in order from oldest to youngest:  
> woojin - 19  
> chan - 19  
> minho - 18  
> changbin - 17  
> hyunjin - 16  
> jisung - 16  
> felix - 16  
> seungmin - 16  
> jeongin - 15

**CHANGBIN** sighed as he listened to his friends talk, not paying much attention to the actual words but recognising there was a conversation and occasionally humming or nodding in agreement to keep up the guise that he was invested in the discussion. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be included, more that he simply couldn’t understand what they were describing. After all, he didn’t see in colour like they did. On many occasions, they had attempted to explain to him the hues of blue and shades of red and types of yellow and green and pink — all of the colours in existence — but that was far easier said than done and they had long since given up, instead choosing to dwell on other things most of the time. Today, it seemed, was not most of the time.

 

“Her skin is the softest shade of umber you could possibly imagine,” a boy was saying adoringly. Changbin hadn’t seen him before but figured he must be new, what with it being the start of the year; he had probably transferred. “No, I haven’t met her yet,” he seemed to be answering a question, “but we’ve made plans for after I finish high school. She lives in LA so it’s a long way to travel but my English is getting good now thanks to her help and it shouldn’t be hard to convince my parents to let me go — I mean, she’s my soulmate.” Upon hearing it, the word made Changbin shudder. He had come to hate the idea of love and soulmates and never understood why he had to be different, strange. Although he knew his friends would never treat him badly as a result of it, he couldn’t help but wish he fitted in.

 

His family, on the other hand, were a whole other story. Whilst they insisted otherwise, Changbin knew they were disappointed in him somehow. He saw the way his parents visibly flinched whenever the topic of soulmates came up in conversation, the way they fawned over pictures of his sister and her fiancée — explaining that they lived together in Tokyo and spouting words of praise about the two of them at every opportunity — and merely stretched their lips into tight smiles whenever anyone asked about Changbin’s own soulmate. “He’s still waiting for the one,” they’d say jokingly, forcing out an awkward laugh. Changbin merely had to nod and go along with them, hating every second of unwanted attention.

 

Nobody knew why he hadn’t made contact with his soulmate yet. After all, he was 17 now. He had been forced to watch all of his friends be filled with glee as each discovered the person they were destined to spend the rest of their life with, initially hoping that he too would soon be able to hear someone’s voice in his head but, as the years went by, losing his sense of childish innocence and recognising that maybe there was nobody out there that could love him. It was a difficult thought for a 12 year old to process and had been even harder as he went through middle school, having to explain to his teachers every year that no, he couldn’t complete the summer project because no, he didn’t have a soulmate so couldn’t describe them.

 

The doctors had said that, physically, there was nothing wrong with him but that they couldn’t guarantee the same for his soulmate, if he even had one. They had recommended counselling to determine whether Changbin had somehow been blocking his other half from communicating, an uncommon but plausible solution to his problem. No such luck. Apparently, nothing was wrong on his side of things and he’d been informed that he should probably just give it time.

 

Everything always seemed to lead back to time. Time left in high school, time left to find his soulmate, time left to make something good of himself — so short. Yet the waiting had lasted so long. Seven years. Seven years of wishing and longing, of planning a future that seemed so out of reach. He’d spent countless nights lying awake and staring at the ceiling, wondering what they would look like, how their voice would sound, trying to figure out how to make contact, yearning to hear them. Nothing ever came of it.

 

Changbin snapped out of his daze, his eyes coming up from his lap as he heard a whoop and some cackling coming from the group. “God, he is _ripped_!” someone — Jisung — was saying as the boys crowded round a phone, presumably with the photo of some famous actor displayed on screen, earning a playful slap from his soulmate, Minho. Woojin toppled over in bouts of laughter at Jisung’s surprise. Changbin just smiled weakly in their direction, wishing he was involved in the joke but not wanting to be the one to spoil the mood by butting in and asking.

 

It had been so _easy_ for Jisung and Minho that sometimes Changbin resented them. It was utterly perfect, almost annoyingly so; they had both seen in colour for the first time when Jisung moved in next door when Minho was two years old and Jisung was just a baby. Neither of them even remembered what it was like before they gained the sight, neither of them knew how it felt to be ostracised, different, alienated.

 

Changbin knew.

 

He knew all too well the feeling of panic that rose in his chest when someone asked him that question, the one that made his palms sweat and his voice shake with worry, because he ‘didn’t understand’, he’d explain repeatedly, only to be met with disapproving glances as if he was some sort of mistake, someone warranting pity. He didn’t want pity. Not from them. It was all false: their smiles, quick to morph into frowns as soon as they thought Changbin wasn’t looking; their words of reassurance, doubtful tone not very masterfully hidden behind what appeared to be kind voices; most disconcerting, however, were their eyes. Changbin sometimes missed the insincerity in their faces and voices but he never failed to notice the demeaning glint in their eyes, pupils betraying the masks they had so carefully crafted in order to conceal their true feelings.

 

So, no. Changbin did not want nor require their pity.

 

 

***

 

 

Clouds gathered above the Seoul skyline, convening in groups and whispering hushed secrets into the blustering November wind. Changbin pulled his coat tighter around his shoulders, shivering as the breeze infiltrated the warm confines of his clothing, seemingly reaching his heart with their icy fingers and wrapping themselves around the pulsing organ, squeezing tightly as if in an attempt to draw out his strangled gasps. His breath escaped shallowly, little wisps of air dissipating into the grey sky as panic rooted itself in Changbin’s chest.

 

His feet seemed rooted to the spot, fearful eyes unable to tear themselves away from the scene that was unravelling before him as easily as a ball of string might. His entire body remained frozen as he saw the glint of the knife raised to the boy’s throat, the light dancing on the silver blade as it slashed through fragile skin. All he saw was red. Blood. Everywhere. It dripped down the pale yellow of the boy’s dress, staining the front in an ugly crimson. He wanted to scream, to do something to react. Nothing. He could do absolutely nothing.

 

A voice. No, a feeling. _**Run.**_

 

Changbin ran. He ran and ran until his legs ached from fatigue and his breathing faltered from lack of oxygen. Choking and heaving, he emptied the contents of his stomach in the alleyway he had come to stop in, the watery green pooling on the dirty grey concrete. It was only when he stopped that he realised: he was seeing everything in colour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tysm for reading !! <3 <3


	2. ONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long  
> feel free to attack me in the comments lol

**EVEN** in colour, the city seemed grey, so monochrome that it seemed as if it had been plucked directly out of one of the old films that Changbin had always loved so much. He appreciated the cinematography, the camerawork ever so exquisite and each frame having a special quality only produced by old technology. There was that plus the fact that, until a few days ago, he hadn’t been able to even see in colour.

 

The entire situation was still something of a foreign concept to him; his mind hadn’t quite caught up with reality. His head was a confused muddle of disorganised ideas, brain unable to comprehend what in the _hell_ was going on. He _couldn’t_ have a soulmate, he hadn’t made contact with them, hadn’t heard them speaking to him, hadn’t sensed them. From his position on a rickety chair outside of an equally as rundown cafe, the world seemed more confusing to Changbin than it had earlier that morning. Sighing, he took a sip of his hot chocolate, the heat burning his tongue masking the cheap taste.

 

A pulsing kind of ache spread through his temple, a sharp pain flooding him to the point where he had to put his head in his hands to keep himself from slipping underwater and drowning beneath waves of unconsciousness. There it was again. As the pain subsided, the feeling grew stronger, more insistent. Yet this time it was different somehow, less desperate and more… delicate.

 

It was as if a missing piece of him had been put into place as a picture of a smiling face appeared in his mind — the cartoon kind, as if drawn by a child. His heart hammered in his ears, elation buzzing through his veins as tears pricked at his eyes, threatening to spill over. Hands covering his mouth as he gasped, he closed his eyes and wiped at them furiously, desperate to concentrate on sending something back. With all the conviction he could muster, he imagined a pink heart, hoping it was enough to indicate that he was there.

 

It was only then that Changbin realised he’d been selfish. He’d been so utterly selfish. All this time he had been focussed entirely on himself, had been wallowing in self pity when there was someone out there probably feeling just as alone, just as isolated and scared as him. How stupid, how childish of him to believe that he was the only person in the world without a soulmate, of course that couldn’t happen—

 

The smiley face returned, making Changbin himself break out into a grin; despite his own naivety, he had his soulmate now and he was not about to let them go.

 

***

 

Over the days following the first contact, Changbin would have been lying if he’d said he wasn’t disappointed. Despite his best efforts, he had received nothing since the smiley face and he was beginning to think that the entire thing had been some sort of prank, some cosmic joke and the universe was playing tricks on him, making him imagine things that weren’t there. If it wasn’t for his newly improved vision, he’d probably deny that he ever even made contact with his soulmate, whoever and wherever they were. It was more than a little disheartening and it was slowly eroding at his hope once more, the vicious waves of doubt cutting mercilessly at him.

 

For some reason that he couldn't quite comprehend, he had not yet told his parents about his soulmate. Perhaps he was scared of what their reaction might be — after years of coming to terms with the fact that their son was a freak, a disappointment, maybe they wouldn’t believe him or, the opposite, they’d make a huge deal of it and smother him in parties with guests he didn’t know or want — or perhaps it was something he just wanted to keep for himself. At least for now, whilst he could. Yes, he thought, this was _his_.

 

Changbin closed his eyes tightly to stop the tears welling up there from spilling down his cheeks as he allowed a shaky breath to slip past his lips. He steadied himself with a hand on his desk before flinging himself down onto his bed in frustration. Where was his soulmate now? Where was his supposed saving grace when he needed them the most? Stomach churning with a mixture of disquietude and discontent, he let a sob escape his mouth and suddenly it was as if the floodgates had opened; he was unable to prevent himself from breaking down completely. His chest ached with dolour that ran deep, having seemingly accumulated throughout the many years of unbearable solitude he had experienced.

 

Barely able to move with the gasps that wracked his slim frame, he attempted to slow his shallow and erratic breathing, feeling the panic rising within him even before it hit with full force, his chest tensing with each inhale and remaining tight with every exhale. Pain spread through his upper body as if the oxygen he was so desperately trying to consume was some sort of noxious gas, poisoning his lungs and making them burn. The bitter taste of bile filled his mouth and his head spun, vision becoming spotted and blurred as he struggled for breath. He curled himself small, crouching on the floor in a ball as tiny as he could possibly manage as tears began to spill from his eyes and little whimpers slipped past his wobbly lips.

 

Just as he felt like he was about to lose consciousness, a feeling of overwhelming calm spread through his body, sparking a strange happiness that rose from his heart to his head, shaking the anxiety and steadying his pulse. After a few deep breaths, Changbin smiled, actually smiled. It was there again, the face in his mind, it flashed (albeit briefly) behind his eyes but nevertheless it had been there, Changbin was sure of it. It was as if all his worries dissipated as he saw the image, doubt and fear eradicated.

 

This was his chance, he had to try to have a real conversation.

 

Mentally preparing himself as much as possible, Changbin closed his eyes and concentrated hard on a single word, thinking it best to begin simply.

 

_Hello._

 

Nothing.

 

And then.

 

**_Hello._ **

 

Changbin almost cried out in delight; this was actually happening, he actually had a soulmate. Love suddenly seemed tangible.

 

_I’m Seo Changbin. What’s your name?_

 

The bond was quiet for a moment, as if the boy(?) was thinking over their answer.

 

**_Hi, Seo Changbin. I’m Lee Felix. Where are you from?_ **

 

The Korean was a little broken but was understandable all the same and Changbin internally cheered that this person spoke the same language as him. Not that he’d have minded them being another nationality — for all he knew, this person may well be judging from his name and distinct accent — he just knew that it would add another unneeded barrier between them. Since most people discovered their soulmate via their mental bond around age 10 (unless they met in person prior to this, of course), they had plenty of time to learn the language their soulmate spoke and to know everything about them before meeting them in person. Unfortunately, Changbin hadn’t had that luxury due to his unusual situation but he supposed he could still learn if he studied hard enough.

 

_I’m Korean and living in, um, South Korea. What about you?_

 

He decided to specify in the unlikely case that Felix got the wrong idea. It wasn’t often that people with North Korean soulmates cropped up but, nevertheless, it happened now and again, more often than not ending in tragedy. The North Korean government had been slowly weeding out the soulmate gene for decades and it seemed that finally their efforts were working, with almost all babies being born without a soulmate, further isolating the nation from the rest of the world. Whilst some parents tried to protect their children and keep their bond in tact, it almost always resulted in the death of the entire gene pool to make sure the ‘threat’ was fully dealt with. Changbin shuddered at the thought, not wanting to even entertain the idea of living without true love for an entire lifetime, an entire existence in black and white. It’d be torture in its purest form.

 

**_I… don’t remember._ **

 

Felix’s voice snapped Changbin out of this dark train of thought.

 

_What… what do you mean by that?_

 

**_I don’t know how to say it… my Korean is so terrible..._ **

 

A pang of sympathy went through Changbin’s chest, wanting nothing more than to comfort Felix and reassure him that he was doing well.

 

**_I’ve been asleep. For six years._ **

 

And suddenly everything clicked into place for Changbin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tysm for reading <3  
> i hope this chapter is okay i know i included a lot of background info i just felt like i needed to set the scene a bit more in regards to the world that changlix are living in :)


	3. TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just as an extra warning (though it is in the tags) this chapter contains scenes of child abuse so pls don't read this if you're sensitive to it and/or you think it'll put you at risk. i'll include a description at the end of the chapter if you wanna skip. stay safe loves <3
> 
> (triggering content starts after the asterisks)

**FELIX** focussed hard on staying awake, scared that if he fell asleep he’d never wake again. Despite the doctors’ reassurances that he was in a medically-induced coma and not one that was directly caused by anything, Felix was terrified of not being able to talk to Changbin, of being back in the helpless comatose state he’d been in for _six whole years._

 

Other than mild amnesia, Felix had almost none of the complications that usually followed being in a coma. His parents had been warned that it was unlikely he’d ever wake up and, if he did, he’d probably have severe and irreversible brain damage caused by the accident that had led to him being hospitalised in the first place. And yet, the only thing that was different about him was his weakened body, muscles having wasted away after being unused for so long. With physio, however, the medical staff had told him that he was perfectly capable of making a full recovery, especially due to his young age. He was being hailed a miracle, an anomaly.

 

Especially considering the injury he had sustained in order to warrant being placed in the coma in the first place. He had little memory of it, only flashes here and there, but he was remembering more and more as the days went by. From what little he could recollect, he knew that his father had been a violent man and that something had happened (an argument perhaps — he remembered shouting). His mother had refused to talk about it when he’d asked and he hadn’t pushed her, sensing that it wasn’t a topic she was uncomfortable speaking about. Whatever it was, it had resulted in severe trauma to the back of his skull. The doctors had been worried about a build up of pressure in his brain and had consequently decided to place him under anaesthesia for his own safety.

 

He didn’t really remember waking up, though he’d been told the story multiple times. Unsurprisingly, it had come as a huge shock to his mother; she had been sitting by his bedside at the time, on her usual weekly visit. Apparently he’d started convulsing, body contorting in ways that it shouldn’t have been able to and the doctors had thought there had been a problem with his life support, that there had been a power surge or electrical problem that had caused it. By the time they’d arrived, however, Felix had been fully conscious and crying out for Changbin as if his life had depended on it. Perhaps it had.

 

Felix couldn’t begin to describe the pain he felt being separated from his soulmate. When he’d first made contact, it had been complete accident; his adrenaline levels had been unusually high when he woke up and this had caused his body to subconsciously reach out to Changbin. Back then, he hadn’t realised how dependent he would become on Changbin, however, and the first few nights at the hospital had been nothing short of torture as he struggled to reach out to his soulmate, ultimately failing. He’d felt so utterly alone just lying there in the bleak suffocation of the clinical white room, simultaneously exhausted but also terrified to sleep. Worry pinched at his brows and when he eventually did drift off, his slumber was troubled and mind plagued with nightmares.

 

The regular visits from Chan were the only thing keeping him sane.

 

The first time he’d lain eyes on his best friend after waking, he’d barely recognised him. He’d grown so much from how Felix remembered him: his jawline sharper as if it had been chiselled with precision; hair a light shade of brown rather than his natural dark colour; he’d grown into his previously lanky body, limbs now more evenly proportioned; even his eyes seemed different, irises somehow aged to how they’d been six years ago, though he was only 19. Seeing him made Felix wonder how he himself now looked, realising that he too would have changed.

 

Talking had been awkward at first, the years they’d missed together making themselves extremely apparent. Chan had just cried for a long time, holding tightly to Felix’s hand as if he didn’t believe what he was seeing. He’d smiled through watery eyes and whispered words of thanks and love like a mantra. Eventually the tears had stopped and Chan had taken deep breaths, recognising the need to rekindle their friendship and make up for the time spent apart.

 

“Hey,” he’d said shakily. Felix had laughed at the brevity of the greeting, joking that his best friend had had six whole years to come up with something and that’s all he had said.

 

It wasn’t long before they were back to a state as close to normality as they could muster under the circumstances. Most of their time together was spent reminiscing about their childhood — Felix’s memories were coming back more and more with each day and his muscles were getting much stronger. He learned that Chan had a soulmate named Woojin who too lived in Korea and Felix had gushed excitedly about Changbin.

 

They spent every moment of spare time that Chan had together, the older boy eager to make Felix’s recovery more bearable, knowing that it couldn’t have been easy for the younger boy to come to terms with his situation. He’d been there when Felix had had his first real conversation with Changbin, grinning and encouraging him the whole way, radiating nothing but warmth and love. He was genuinely happy that Felix was happy and this made his days at the hospital that bit more bearable.

 

Chan had dyed Felix’s hair in the hospital bathroom so that now it was a pale auburn and, since he could now see in colour, Felix had a new appreciation for fashion. As a ten year old, he supposed he hadn’t really cared what he’d worn — was more concerned with practicality — but now his that interest had been piqued he was intrigued. When Chan wasn’t visiting him (because, of course, he often had classes to attend and work to get done) Felix had taken to reading style magazines and watching fashion shows online, finding it equal parts fascinating and therapeutic to have something other than physical therapy to put his effort into. His new hair was as bold a move he could make style-wise since all he could wear were ghastly hospital gowns (so chic).

 

Changbin laughed when Felix explained his frustration at the drab outfit he was forced to sport every day, replying that everything would seem stylish once he got out of the hospital. Felix disagreed, relaying the story of the elderly lady that he often saw and how she smelled of cat food and wore a fuchsia cardigan that Felix swore almost blinded him every time he saw it. With his limited knowledge of the Korean language, he wasn’t sure if his message was communicated completely accurately but Changbin seemed entertained all the same so he hoped it had been at least semi-understandable.

 

Their conversations always seemed a little stop-start, with Changbin often having to ask Felix what he meant by something (or vice versa since the older boy had begun picking up bits of English here and there). Despite this, however, both were inexplicably joyous when speaking with the other. Even the simplest of phrases brought them utter elation; just knowing their soulmate was merely a thought away rid them of their worries.

 

It was bliss.

 

Until it wasn’t.

 

The time came for Felix to leave the hospital. For weeks he’d longed for nothing but to leave the confines of his little room, to go home with his mother and go back to school with his old friends. Of course, it could never be that simple. He’d missed six years’ worth of education and the people he used to know weren’t the same anymore, most of them having long forgotten him. Felix didn’t blame them. After all, he realised they had lives to live too and couldn’t let themselves be anchored down because of him. Yet, at the same time, he wished things could be different, that he could slot back into his old friendship group and things could go back to the way they had been. Alas.

 

***

 

Changbin chewed on his lip, foot tapping the floor lightly in an irregular rhythm and fingers drumming on the kitchen table. It wouldn’t be long before his mother arrived home. Then he could finally get this whole ordeal over with.

 

He hadn’t planned to keep Felix a secret for this long, it had just sort of happened. Perhaps if his parents took more interest in his existence, they’d have noticed there was something different about him and perhaps if they acknowledged him as their son, he’d have trusted them enough to tell them sooner. Wishful thinking. His situation couldn’t be helped, he supposed, and now was the time that he had to come clean.

 

Entering the dining room, his father regarded him suspiciously, narrowing his eyes and glaring coldly as if he couldn’t bear the sight of Changbin. “What are you doing?”

 

Changbin ceased his fidgeting, fearing the scolding he’d get if he was seen to be displaying any sort of anxiety. It had been drilled into him from a young age that his mental health issues were his burden, caused by his own pointless discomposure. For a time, he’d believed their words, had begun to submit to their ways of thinking. The bruises faded and the cuts healed but his mind remained polluted with their twisted ideology no matter how hard he tried to distance himself from it. Knowing that they were wrong but being unable to tell his ailing heart that was slowly killing him.

 

Being around them was akin to suffocation.

 

But Felix was his air.

 

Changbin stiffened under his father’s gaze. “Just waiting for Mother to get home.”

 

Mr Seo grunted in response, ambling past him to grab another beer out of the fridge, and Changbin took this a sign that he didn’t have to explain himself further. Dropping his head into his hands and letting out a shaky breath, he reached out to Felix through the bond, wanting something to anchor him to reality, to tie his consciousness down and keep the anxiety bubbling within him under control. Felix responded almost instantaneously, offering reassurance.

 

**_Hyung, are you okay?_ **

 

Changbin wasn’t really sure how to respond to that. Was he? He’d been so happy with Felix in their own little world, separated but together. But had that blinded him from his prior grievances?

 

_Yeah, I think so… I just needed to hear your voice._

 

**_Do you want to talk about anything?_ **

 

Changbin smiled at his soulmate’s slight mispronunciation, finding it altogether adorable.

 

_I’m, um, I’m telling my parents… about you. I don’t know why I didn’t tell them earlier, I’m an idiot…_

 

**_Please don’t say that, love. I understand that it’s… complicated for you at home. Don’t feel bad, hyung. I have you and you have me and that’s what matters most, okay?_ **

 

_Yeah, you’re right. You always know what to say._

 

He swallowed the words ‘I love you’ in fear of it being too soon. He did love Felix, though. A lot. Whether this was normal or whether he was just getting attached too fast, Changbin didn’t know.

 

**_Just… talk to me if you need to, alright?_ **

 

_I will. I promise. Thank you, Felix. I’m so glad that I have you._

 

**_And I’m so glad that I have you, hyung._ **

 

The worries that had plagued his mind seemed less intimidating now and Changbin felt ready to talk to his parents, whatever their reaction may be. Whilst he wasn’t exactly thrilled at the idea of sharing this intimate detail with them, he knew it was unavoidable. It was better to rip off the metaphorical plaster.

 

Right on cue, his mother opened the front door and let in a bitter blast of chilling wind. “For God’s sake, Changbin. What did I tell you about leaving your shit everywhere?” She began the question as an exasperated utterance but ended it as a yell as she wrestled with her too-full handbag to bend over and pick up her son’s coat off the floor. Changbin didn’t bother to tell her that it had blown off the peg as the breeze infiltrated the room. It wasn’t like she’d listen, anyway.

 

She glanced at him with suspicion much like his father had but didn’t enquire about his atypical choice of seating, instead taking off her stilettos and tossing them in the vague direction of the porch. Oh, the irony. Changbin had grown tired of it long ago.

 

Just as Mrs Seo was about to leave the room, Changbin plucked up the courage to make his announcement. “Mother, there’s something I need to tell you. You too, Father.”

 

“That’s Sir to you,” Mr Seo piped up from his armchair across the open-plan room, glancing up from the football he was watching in order to glare as if to let Changbin know that speaking to his son was the largest inconvenience he had ever encountered. “Can’t this wait, the football’s on.”

 

Changbin swallowed. It was now or never.

 

“I… I have a soulmate.”

 

His parents looked at each other for a long moment, pregnant pause making the atmosphere heavy with tension.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Changbin. That isn’t something to joke about.”

 

“I’m not making this up, I really do have a soulmate and his name is Felix and he lives in Australia and—”

 

“No more of this!” his father boomed, cutting him off mid-sentence and reducing his confidence so much so that it was virtually non-existent. His heart sunk, dread pooling in his stomach. There was only one way that this conversation was headed and it resulted in bruises.

 

“Listen to your father, Changbin. Stop this childish nonsense. You’ll understand when you’re older and you have your own children that you have to take certain… measures to ensure they grow up to become good people, respectable people.”

 

Changbin tried to hold his tongue, tried _so hard_ to restrain himself, but he simply couldn’t.

 

“I won’t _have_ any children unless you believe me,” he was so exasperated by this point that he could physically feel the energy drain out of him, knowing that there was no point in fighting his parents but wanting so desperately to make them understand.

 

“You father and I have been… in discussion with some other respectable families. We’ve decided that it would be a good idea to give you the pick of a few suitable young ladies. There are plenty that would be honoured to be with you.”

 

Changbin felt sick, his mouth going dry as he processed what his mother had just said. They were trying to marry him off like he was merely an object for them to profit from. No doubt these ‘suitable young ladies’ would be the daughters of wealthy North Koreans that his father did business with.

 

“No… you can’t do this, you can’t, you can’t just, just auction me off. I am not yours.” He stilled his gaze, clenching his jaw as he stared defiantly at the adults in front of him, refusing to be silenced any longer. When he saw the fury in his mother’s eyes, however, his resolve dissipated and fear descended upon him, clutching at his heart as it hammered in his chest.

 

“Oh, Changbin,” Mrs Seo regarded him with distaste. “I hoped it wouldn’t have to come to this. You’re just too immature. You don’t understand.”

 

Changbin remained motionless as she raised her hand, waiting for the familiar sting of impact, the sharp pain of her rings colliding with the soft flesh of his cheek. But nothing came.

 

It was a strange feeling, one that Changbin couldn’t explain. It was as if a part of him had become fragmented, disconnected somehow and had stepped in front of him, blocking his mother’s hand. For a split second, time seemed to slow and his vision became blurry.

 

**_What did I just do?_ **

 

_I… I don’t…_

 

**_How was that even… hyung, how did I just do that?_ **

 

**_***_ **

 

**_CHAPTER DESCRIPTION:_ **

_Changbin decides to tell his parents about Felix. They don't react well and refuse to believe him. Mrs Seo goes to hit him but for some reason she finds she cannot. A confused Felix talks to Changbin over the bond and Changbin realises that somehow Felix prevented him from being slapped._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed and tysm for reading <3 <3


	4. THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiii  
> i've had literally the WORST writer's block ever and i was so unhappy with everything that i did manage to write that i kept deleting it so apologies for leaving it so long lol  
> i hope you enjoy this regardless <3

**DRAGONFLIES** danced across the surface of the pond, skimming the water and leaving little ripples in their wake. Changbin observed them silently, watching the way their bodies wove through the reeds that created a sheltered haven. It wasn’t often that he got to visit here, always being too preoccupied with studying to take time to enjoy himself, but today was one of the few occasions that saw him relaxing rather than working.

 

It was just beginning to become spring and the air was a little chilly but the sun was shining brightly, warming Changbin’s back as he lay in the grass. His clothes were probably wet with the dew clinging to the blades but he found he didn’t much care, instead focussing his attention on the wildlife and now observing a water boatman.

 

It wasn’t even as if he had a particular interest in nature; he appreciated its beauty but what he was really there for was the respite. Everything had been so chaotic recently that he felt as if he was caught up in a hurricane, the world around him being destroyed in the cruel gales that ripped through his life. Since discovering Felix’s existence, everything he had previously believed about love and his future had changed.

 

He _loved_ Felix.

 

More than he could ever put into words.

 

That was why he hadn’t told him yet.

 

Changbin felt as if all 612 of the scenarios he had envisioned would simply be insufficient — he needed everything to be completely perfect if he was going to drop a bomb like that on Felix. Although he was terrified of rejection, Changbin was resolute in the fact that he was going to do this one thing to make himself happy, this one thing to give him a chance at a future worth living. After all, it was the only chance of being happy that he had; he couldn’t bear the thought of being alone.

 

He just had to figure out the right time.

 

If things were perfect, they’d already be living together, Changbin’s troubled homelife long forgotten. If things were perfect, Felix wouldn’t be so far away (or, rather, Changbin wouldn’t be so far away from Felix). But things were not perfect. They were trapped in a reality that meant they were so imperceptibly close and yet so noticeably distant.

 

It hurt.

 

More than that, it ached. Every second felt as if his heart was being torn apart another inch, as if a great void was opening inside of his chest, his ribs cracking and splitting apart to make room for the vast chasm. It was unlike anything he’d ever felt before, not just emotionally but also physically. If they didn’t communicate via their soul bond every few hours, he’d break into a sweat, face ashen and grey, and his mind would spin, dizziness clouding his vision, a blindfold to the outside world. Nausea would erupt in his abdomen and a stabbing pain would tear through him as if he was being cut open repeatedly by thousands of piercingly sharp blades.

 

He couldn’t help but think back to that day every time it happened. The day that he first made contact with Felix, the day he witnessed the boy being hurt (or worse, though he didn’t entertain that thought for long, pushing it to the back of his mind). Being so caught up by recent events, the memory had been suppressed, the trauma it had caused to him only making itself known in his nightmares.

 

After all, the striking crimson of the boy’s blood had been the first colour he had lain eyes on.

 

Changbin wondered if Felix felt the same. He prayed to all the gods he had no faith in that he wasn’t put through that.

 

That thought alone was enough to make his stomach twist in knots with anxiety, nevermind what his parents were forcing him into.

 

They were insistent that he was deluded, insane even, refusing to listen to his desperate pleas that “Please, Felix is real and I love him!” His mother was already in correspondence with the parents of many upper class North Korean girls, all of whom were offering an impressive dowry for Changbin’s hand in marriage. It made him sick. Felix offered soft words of reassurance, promising half-heartedly that everything would be okay. But the truth was that neither of them knew what the future held. To Changbin, it seemed bleak, hopeless.

 

**_Hyung, don’t say such things._ **

 

_What do you mean?_

 

**_That the world is hopeless. That’s what you just said. Please don’t say things like that, you’re scaring me._ **

 

Changbin’s heart clenched at that. He really hadn’t meant it, not like that. He had never meant to scare Felix, couldn’t stand the prospect of hurting him. He hadn’t even realised he was using the soul bond. But he had to have been. There was no other way that Felix could have heard him, surely?

 

_I’m sorry. I.. I didn’t… I didn’t mean it like that, I would never, could never… I love you Felix._

 

Before he could stop them, the words tumbled out of his consciousness. Felix was quiet for a moment and doubt crept into Changbin’s mind.

 

**_I love you too, hyung. I miss you._ **

 

_There’s nothing to miss, we haven’t even met._

 

**_I miss what we could have, though._ **

 

_In that case, I miss you too._

 

***

 

According to his mother, school wasn’t an option for Felix. Not that he’d have wanted to go back, anyway. She’d given her suggestion of getting him private tuition with a sad smile, apologising profusely and blaming “that stupid headmaster” for not allowing him back. They both knew she couldn’t afford to get him a tutor. Since his father left, she’d been drowning in debt, struggling to make rent every month — especially with the extortionate amount she’d had to pay for healthcare despite the medicare system supposedly in place — and she’d been working three jobs just to keep herself afloat. Though he knew it wasn’t his fault, Felix felt a strange kind of guilt gnaw at him when he thought about his mother suffering. After all, it was because of him.

 

He voiced his concerns to Changbin, who quelled his violent self-doubt with kindness, but it wasn’t enough. He longed for something tangible.

 

Perhaps that yearning was how he stopped Changbin’s mother’s hand from striking him. It was as if he was suddenly so overcome with emotion that all he could do was channel it. The entire thing was jumbled and confused in his head, not making much sense to either of them. They’d attempted to recreate the feat but, thus far, had been unsuccessful. It had been weeks since then and it appeared that Changbin had all but given up. Felix, however, remained persistent.

 

It seemed that, when his soulmate was under great emotional strain, Felix grew stronger as if his body was allowing him to protect Changbin. He couldn’t explain how but he sensed it, the danger. His whole body became hyperalert, hairs standing up on end and heartbeat quickening. Although waking up was a blur to him, he distinctly remembered having the exact same feeling. The dots were beginning to connect in his head.

 

He intended to make sense of everything.

 

Running a hand through his wet hair, he gazed at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Seeing himself was still strange to Felix; he was unused to his new appearance, not that he really had much recollection of what he’d looked like before, however. His memories were still jumbled, as if someone had returned all the socks into the drawer but not paired them up. The doctors had given him a good prognosis but nevertheless it was frustrating.

 

He couldn’t help but feel somehow disconnected from his body, like he didn’t own it, like it wasn’t really a part of him. It was as if he was just using it to survive. He supposed after so long existing merely as a consciousness with no sense of the physical world, his brain wasn’t accustomed to actually _living_ instead of merely surviving.

 

Changbin was a comfort but he wasn’t a cure.

 

No, Felix had to bear this burden alone.

 

One thing he did now remember was the ‘accident’ itself. His mother called it an accident, anyway. In reality, it was far from it, a deliberate move by his father to ‘teach him a lesson’. The details were fuzzy and disjointed but he recollected the words he was told with striking clarity.

 

_“I didn’t raise you to be a pussy, son. What you need is to be taught how to be a man. Men don’t cry, do you hear me?”_

 

His father hadn’t stopped when he’d cried, hadn’t stopped when he’d bled, hadn’t stopped when he’d screamed for him to “Please stop, dad, please!” He hadn’t even stopped when Mrs Lee had got involved, shielding her son from the violence neither of them deserved to fall victim to.

 

Somehow, Felix didn’t feel hurt or sad when he thought back to those final moments of memory. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, of course he did, more that he couldn’t find it within himself to give his father the satisfaction of having damaged him. Though the man would never know it from his residence in prison, Felix was determined to enjoy the life he had left, not weighed down by his past trauma. In theory, anyway.

 

Stepping out of the bathroom, he ambled across the hallway and into his room, still slightly bleary-eyed, morning sleepiness clinging to the edges of his vision despite his shower. On his bed sat a pile of clothes, folded neatly with a note on top. It had become something of a habit for his mother to choose his outfits, was a hangover from the past, he supposed. He didn’t really mind, even if it made him feel a little patronised. Felix understood her need to care for him; she’d endured so many painful years without him. She deserved to be able to love him however she saw fit, Felix owed her that much. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to put into words just how grateful he actually was.

 

***

 

Changbin faked a gag as Seungmin pecked Hyunjin’s cheek, cupping his chin before kissing him properly, smack on the lips. “You guys are already being disgusting and Jeongin isn’t even here yet, how I am supposed to get through the suffering induced by being around you?”

 

Hyunjin stuck his tongue out in the direction of Changbin. “Nothing can get in the way of love, not even a grumpy old man like you, hyung."

 

Changbin just laughed, well used to the younger boys’ teasing by now. In a way, he appreciated their relentless humour, it kept his mind from straying to less… favourable topics. “Where is Jeongin, anyway? It must be way past 10:30 by now,” He checked the time on his phone, confirming his suspicions. “I’m getting chilly, tell him to hurry up.” He rubbed his hands up and down his arms as if to accentuate his point, earning an eye roll from Hyunjin.

 

Seungmin closed his eyes for a moment, indicating that he was trying to contact his boyfriend. Hyunjin did the same, obviously not wanting to be left out. “He’s on his way, he got held up at church, something about organising a fundraiser for the families of the people who died in that landslide,” Seungmin concluded, both boys ending the conversation held over the bond.

 

“Oh, and Woojin is coming with us. He popped into the church while he was on his morning run and Jeongin invited him,” Hyunjin added, knowing he didn’t need to ask if it was okay since their friendship group was so closely knit.

 

As promised, Jeongin and Woojin soon arrived, Changbin berating them playfully for taking so long, complaining that he was starving to death.

 

Tradition dictated that the first Sunday of every month was self-proclaimed ‘Changjin Day’ and Changbin and Hyunjin had to spend it together, no ifs or buts about it. Over the years, they’d made it optional for others among their friends to join them — if it so suited their schedules — but the golden rule was that it was a day for Changbin and Hyunjin to consolidate their friendship. It had begun when Hyunjin first made contact with Seungmin, who had been living abroad in Los Angeles at the time. Changbin had felt insecure, worried that his best friend wouldn’t have time for him anymore. And, subsequently, Hyunjin had instated ‘Changjin Day’, promising resolutely that Changbin would never fall into the background.

 

It had been a great success.

 

They soon reached the cafe, the very same one they always visited, the cosy atmosphere feeling more like home to Changbin than where he actually lived. It always smelled warm, the air filled with the scent of coffee combined with the sweetness of the fresh pastries that sat atop the counter. There were a few people dotted around but, for the most part, it was quiet, as it usually was before the midday lunch rush. The owners, who stood talking, recognised their group immediately, the elder — Seokjin — grinned widely, nudging his husband, Namjoon’s, arm, who also smiled, waving them over.

 

“How are my favourite little worms doing?” Seokjin cooed, leaning over the counter to lovingly ruffle Changbin’s hair.

 

“Hyung,” he whined, drawing out the ‘g’. ”Leave me alone,” he faked a pout as Seokjin just laughed.

 

“So, what can we do for you this fine day?” Namjoon asked, already knowing the answer.

 

“We’ll take the Changjin Special, hyung,” Hyunjin grinned, cheekily adding, “Make sure there’s extra cream for Binnie hyung.”

 

The so-called ‘Changjin Special’ consisted of an alternating stack of pancakes and waffles, topped with vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and two cherries (for health reasons, of course, because Namjoon and Seokjin refused to be liable if they suddenly had heart attacks from the sheer amount of sugar they consumed). It was sickly, filling and exactly what they needed to perk them up after an undoubtedly long month of studying.

 

Sitting in that cafe, Changbin wished he could share some of his joy with Felix.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tysm for reading <3


	5. FOUR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> exam season is KILLING me omf  
> updates are few and far between sorry not sorry i'm doing a lot of studying lol

**WIND** rushed past Changbin’s ears, ruffling his already messy hair as he grinned, his legs carrying him almost mechanically, experienced with running at a fast pace over the uneven terrain. He didn’t even have to think about where he was placing his feet, his brain in autopilot as his body navigated the potholes and various ridges in the land, his usual route well-trodden although straying from the path. 

 

He supposed everyone needed a release of some sort, something to channel their troubles into, something to make them forget. Some chose destructive habits — cigarettes, alcohol, drugs — things that took away their inhibitions, made them fall into a comfortable state of passiveness, simply coasting along until their impending demise. Others, such as Changbin had never got to a point as low as that. He saw the appeal, however, knew the pull that substance abuse could have. After all, he’d seen it with his own eyes. 

 

His father was a troubled man — bitter, cold and condescending — but troubled all the same. He’d been called to fight in the same war that his sister, Changbin’s aunt, had died in and it had changed him in ways that were imperceptible at first but that had soon manifested themselves in the way in which he treated his family. It began with more hard stares, judgemental glances, glares that drove knives into Changbin’s back. Then, it progressed to shouting, uninhibited rage when he was drunk (which was all the time). His mother had been angry at first, angry that the man she had married was becoming more monster than human, but, after it became clear that Changbin would never find a soulmate, she started taking Mr Seo’s side during arguments, started joining in with the insults, the violence.

 

In some twisted way, Changbin blamed himself for the abuse he received, felt like he’d somehow caused it simply by being different. For a long time, he thought he deserved it. It had taken finding Felix to stop him from torturing himself, had taken him that long to realise that  _ none of it _ was his fault and that he  _ didn’t  _ bring it on himself. The worst thing was that he’d endured it for so long, had remained silent and just  _ taken _ it. For years. It was only now that he had the courage to resist. Enough was enough.

 

Changbin’s breath slipped past his lips in sharp, shallow pants as he gasped for air, bending over with exhaustion now that he’d reached his destination. The peak of Namsan Mountain provided the perfect vantage point to see all of Seoul, the buildings stretching out in what seemed to be an endless and vast expanse of grey. He hadn’t seen it from this angle since he’d gained coloured sight and he was a little disappointed. His expectations hadn’t been high, per se, but somehow it felt colder than he’d thought it would, as if the life had been drained out of the city. When walking through the Seoul streets, everything was alive; everything was so full of life that it was impossible to go two yards without seeing people laughing, people talking, people  _ living.  _ But from up here, it appeared more bleak, quiet. Changbin felt alone for the first time since making contact with Felix.

 

And, yet, the bleakness brought with it a kind of calm that Changbin could not find anywhere else. The mountain was a place of solitude, yes, but with that solitude came mindfulness and somewhere he could truly and unapologetically be himself.

 

Running was his escape, but the trouble with that was that he didn’t have anywhere to escape to. He reached Namsan’s peak with the knowledge that he’d soon have to return home, to the place that felt familiar yet alien, wonted yet unsafe. That wasn’t freedom, not truly. It felt as if he was Persephone, unfettered in spring and summer but imprisoned in autumn and winter, constantly living knowing that he’d never be liberated. It was harrowing and Changbin knew the reason he hadn’t completely broken yet was Felix.

 

***

 

Felix grinned widely and buried his face impossibly deeper into his covers, curling his legs into his chest so that his body resembled a bean. His eyes fluttered closed, dark lashes resting delicately on pink cheeks, freckles dashed over his peach complexion like dusted cinnamon. The evening was his favourite time of day, when the sun set over the hills and sprinkled amber rays over the ground that stretched their warm arms through his bedroom window. It was also the time that he got to speak to Changbin the most. 

 

**_Hyung, are you awake?_ **

 

He tried communicating, knowing that his soulmate had been extremely tired recently, constantly pushing himself harder to study for his upcoming examinations.

 

_ Hi, yeah. I missed you today, I take it you were busy?  _

 

They hadn’t been able to talk much.

 

**_Mhm, yeah. Sorry. I’ve been helping my mum repair the car all day, she works so hard and I can tell she’s hurting even if she doesn’t show it, you know?_ **

 

_ I understand. Did you speak to her about working yet? _

 

Felix’s heart sunk as he remembered about his predicament. He hated his online classes, wasn’t interested in what he was learning, wasn’t even retaining the information. He wanted to dance, to make music, to do something creative. Chan’s aunt was a producer for a local record label and she’d offered him an internship there. Felix wanted nothing more than to take the position but he knew his mother would be so disappointed if she knew what he was planning to do. He didn’t know if he could break it to her.

 

**_No, I couldn’t do it. It’s like every time I look at her my heart just breaks. I can’t do it to her, hyung._ **

 

_ But it’ll make you happier, yes? _

 

**_Yeah, but_ ** **—**

 

_ No, Lix, don’t do this do yourself. You know that this is what you really want. I know you want to make her happy but you can’t sacrifice your own happiness for her. You have to live for you. _

 

And Felix knew what weight those words held, especially for Changbin. Changbin, who had waited so long for him. Changbin, who had suffered alone whilst Felix lay in bed. Changbin, who loved him and whom he loved. Felix knew all of this. Yet he couldn’t hurt his mother in that way. All she wanted was for him to do well, to succeed. He had to do it for her. 

 

_ Lix, you have to promise me that you’ll speak to her. _

 

**_Okay, hyung._ **

 

Felix’s heart was heavy as he lied.

 

He went to sleep that night feeling nauseous and guilty; it didn’t feel right to lie to his soulmate. It was as if his body was telling him that what he’d done was unnatural, wrong, was rejecting him.

 

The morning didn’t bring much more joy. Not with the news he received. 

 

His mother was home, an unusual occurrence on a Friday morning; she would ordinarily be off to work well before Felix emerged from his bedroom and wouldn’t get back until long after he’d gone to sleep. 

 

“Good morning!” she smiled widely, shuffling over the expanse of the kitchen floor in her worn slippers and enveloping her son in a warm embrace, squeezing his shoulders tightly. When she pulled away, her eyes sparkled with the beginnings of tears, grin impossibly wider than it was before. “You’re not going to believe it, Felix. Gosh, I barely believe it myself…” she laughed to herself in incredulity. 

 

Felix furrowed his brow in confusion. “What do you mean, Mum?”

 

She grasped his hands in hers happily, meeting his gaze. “I, well, I applied for a scholarship — for you, I mean — and, well, they accepted you.” Joy scintillated from her eyes, coffee irises warm and more alight with exultation than Felix had ever seen. Before Felix could even open his mouth to speak, she continued excitedly. “It’s Catholic, I always wished you could go somewhere Catholic. It’s really a school, Lix! You can go back to school!” Mrs Lee looked as if she might cry, grin still painted on her face. Felix forced a smile.

 

“That’s… amazing! I… thank you.” The last words came out as a whisper, his eyes filling with tears that quickly spilled out, rolling down his ghostly pale cheeks. Everything was wrong. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t what he wanted. Stretching his lips wider and showing his teeth, he played off his crying as happiness, pulling his mum in for a tight hug. It was as much to reassure himself as it was to hide his expression as his smile faltered and, ultimately, fell. 

 

***

 

Chan’s giggles rang loud through the crowded airport as he sprinted towards Woojin, the older boy having just exited the terminal. They enveloped one another in a crushing hug, Chan jumping into Woojin’s arms and being swung around, legs wrapped tightly around his waist and face tucked into his neck, inhaling the familiar scent he’d missed so much. When their lips finally met, Chan safely back on the ground, Felix felt himself blush, not used to such public displays of affection, or any displays of affection. After all, he’d missed so much, hadn’t even had his first kiss yet. There were so many things he was still growing accustomed to.

 

The two lovers pulled away from each other but remained glued to each other’s sides, hands intertwined. “Felix, this is Woojin,” Chan began in English. Then, “Hyung, this is Felix,” in Korean. 

 

“Nice to meet you, hyung,” Felix found himself mirroring Woojin’s wide grin, his joy apparently infectious. 

 

“You too, Felix.” Woojin pouted. “It feels like forever since I last saw you, Channie,” Woojin subtly edged closer to his soulmate, resting his head on the younger boy’s broad shoulder. “I missed you so much.”

 

Chan beamed, smiling wider and more genuinely than Felix had ever seen him smile. If this was what being close to your soulmate was like, Felix wanted it. He wanted it so much that he felt his heart could shatter at any moment. And not in the cliché one thousand pieces kind of way. No, he felt that he would break apart perfectly into two clean pieces. Because it was perfect, really. Perfectly ironic. Six years asleep only to wake up and wish he was blissfully unaware again so that he didn’t have to face the reality of being without Changbin. 

 

As much as he was pleased that Chan had someone to share his life with, he couldn’t prevent a pang of jealousy rising in his chest as he watched the two interact, the soulful connection between them obvious, almost painfully so. It made Felix feel guilty but the truth of the matter was that he envied his best friend. Having Changbin so far away was almost as painful as not having him at all. 

 

Felix felt like an outsider for the rest of the day. It wasn’t as if Woojin and Chan were purposely leaving him out or excluding him. He could tell that they were trying their collective best to make him feel welcomed. But he knew he was out of place with them. He didn’t fit into their little bubble. They were each other’s world and he wasn’t a part of it.

 

Then there was the whole matter of boarding school, which he hadn’t yet had the time to speak to Chan nor Changbin about. He knew they’d both be disappointed and it was breaking him inside. On one hand, he wanted the internship more than anything, longed to find some meaning in his life, much of which he’d been absent for. But he couldn’t disappoint his mother, he couldn’t hurt her. Especially after all the effort she’d put into finding him this scholarship. He had to do this for her, he knew that.

 

His own wants had to come second.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading !!


	6. FIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise i'm back lol  
> no apologies for slow updates i'm just a slow writer and i hate everything i write so 90% of it gets deleted  
> n e ways here's the chapter :)))

**THE** first thought that Changbin had about Jiyeon was that she was a robot. Every single one of her movements seemed rehearsed and somehow machine-like. She bowed a perfect 90 degrees upon entry to his home, not meeting his gaze, and remained silent. “Um… hello?” Changbin began, unsure of how to interact with her. “I’m Changbin, you must be Jiyeon.” It all seemed very forced: their lips stretched into false smiles and pained visages betraying their true emotions. It was clear to anyone that both were deeply uncomfortable and neither wanted to meet the other.

 

Jiyeon whispered a hushed, “Hello,” back but it was obviously more out of politeness than from a desire to get to know Changbin better. She was beautiful, there was no doubt about that. Her skin was flawless — smooth and without a single blemish; her dark hair cascaded past her shoulders and hung somehow just right, a strand or two hanging over her eyes every so often, which she would raise a delicate hand to brush off. She was dressed tidily in what reminded Changbin of a school uniform and, whilst she looked pretty, it only served to make him uncomfortable somehow. Even her fingernails were immaculate; they were neatly manicured — still short but filed into perfect almonds and painted with a pale peach polish.

 

But whilst Changbin recognised her beauty, there was no attraction there. Looking at her was akin to admiring art or architecture; it was stunning but seemed distant, untouchable and unreachable. Felix was nature. He was everywhere, all-encompassing. He was oxygen, allowing Changbin to breathe freely in a world that previously made him feel suffocated, trapped, asphyxiated. Felix was in the green of the grass underfoot as Changbin ran, was in the sunset as he sat atop Namsan, was in every single ounce of every colour in every second of sight that made up the film reel that was Changbin’s life. Every inhale and every exhale was because of Felix. Everything was possible because they had each other.

 

Just as nothing man-made could ever compete with nature, Jiyeon could never compete with Felix.

 

How could Changbin  _ ever  _ feel anything romantic towards her when he had Felix? Wonderful, intelligent, special, perfect Felix. The same Felix that had completely uprooted Changbin’s life in the best way possible. The same Felix that comforted him when he had flashbacks or nightmares. The same Felix that he was in  _ love  _ with. 

 

The reality of having to marry Jiyeon was like freeing a bird that had been caged all of its life, only to shoot it down as soon as it took flight. Changbin couldn’t do it. Not to himself and definitely not to Felix. They deserved better than this melancholy reality.

 

He had to get out.

 

Before he went upstairs to his room, Changbin made sure to slip Jiyeon a piece of paper, squeezing her hand tightly as he passed it over and looking deeply into her eyes for the first time. He hoped he conveyed desperation.

 

***

 

**_Hyung? What’s your happiest memory?_ **

 

Felix folded his clothes meticulously, making sure not to crease the smart dress pants and crisp white shirts as he placed them into the suitcase.

 

_ I don’t have many of those.  _

 

**_Come on, you must have one._ **

 

_ Hmm… I suppose I was happy when I was really young. I’d go to the convenience store on the way back  from school and pick up a carton of strawberry milk and samgak kimbap. The owner became my friend since I visited her every day and she’d always give me a sweet for free. Those are nice memories — not being at home or at school.  _

 

Felix smiled at his boyfriend’s cuteness, zipping up the case and slumping down on his bed. He was completely packed up and ready to leave yet the entire thing still didn’t feel real to him. It was as if he was sitting in the backseat and somebody else was doing the driving, was controlling his actions; he didn’t feel at all like himself. 

 

_ Why do you ask? _

 

**_I don’t know… I guess I just wonder about the things I’ve missed. It’s the little things, you know._ **

 

_ I understand, Lix. But we have a whole future together to look forward to. _

 

Felix’s heart was heavy with the guilt of lying about boarding school. Little did he know, Changbin was in just as much pain concealing his proposed marriage to Jiyeon. They were both being crushed by their secrets and the pressure of existing in impossibly difficult situations. Their love transcended oceans, miles and mountains but was it strong enough to pull them through the other side of this torture?

 

**_I know, hyung. I just want to see you. I mean really see you. I want to be able to hold your hand and hug you and kiss you. You always seem so out of reach._ **

 

_ Me too. We’ve waited this long, though. What’s a little more? We’ll be together before we know it, I promise. _

 

**_I love you so much, Binnie._ **

 

_ I love you too, Lixie.  _

 

“Are you ready to go?” Mrs Lee called, breaking Felix’s mental connection with Changbin. 

 

**_I’ve gotta go, hyung._ **

 

_ Going anywhere nice? _

 

**_Just, um, shopping. Nothing too exciting._ **

 

_ Have fun! Talk to me later, yeah? _

 

**_Of course, hyung._ **

 

Felix sighed, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and picking up his suitcase as he headed downstairs. Whatever the future held, he definitely did not feel ready for it.

 

***

 

Darkness comforted Changbin, always had done. He knew that whatever lay hidden in the shadows was only as bad as what stood out in the open in daylight. Instead of being afraid of it, he embraced the way it was able to conceal things. As he lay awake, staring into the blackness of his room, he silently thanked the night for hiding the way ugly tears rolled down his face. 

 

He’d hidden himself his entire life. Being brought up in a household where emotions were viewed as an inconvenience rather than a strength had affected him in more ways than he could ever put into words — ironically, not having spoken about his feelings had hindered his communication skills quite significantly. His parents had raised him with a vice-like grip of discipline and this had only made him shrink away more, perpetually afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. 

 

Mr Seo was an unexploded landmine; the tiniest of things could cause him to explode into fits of unrelenting rage and violence. He was brutality in its most pure form, lips curling at the edges into a smug grin as he drove frightened whimpers of pain from his son — his own personal punching bag. Somehow, though, Mrs Seo was worse; she was noxious gas, silently preparing for an ambush. She was calculating, vicious and wickedly efficient — she knew exactly how to hurt Changbin the most.

 

When he remembered being younger, Changbin could taste the metallic flavour of his own blood and feel the pain of being slapped, beaten, kicked over and over and  _ over _ . It was in those times that he’d thanked the dark for helping him to hide his tears because he couldn’t face the reality of the abuse he was forced to deal with. If he couldn’t see the bruises and cuts and tear stains, he could pretend they weren’t there, even if it was just for one night.

 

It seemed fitting, then, that the night would also hide his escape from his oppressors, the people who made smiling, laughing,  _ breathing  _ difficult for him on a daily basis. 

 

There was a feeling of pain in his heart that he hadn’t anticipated being there. It was a dull ache that resonated through his entire body. Being confronted with the reality of what he was going to do was akin to being dunked head first into icy cold water and held there. First, there’s the shock; there’s no time for emotion because your body is thrust into survival mode, adrenaline coursing through your veins. Then, later, comes the terror — the realisation that you’re slowly being suffocated, the knowledge that you’ll have to breathe at some point and when you do, the water will enter your lungs, choking you to death. Changbin was most definitely entering the latter stage. 

 

Yet his resolve was unwavering. He knew what he had to do. It would keep him safe, it would keep Jiyeon safe and, most importantly, it would mean he could finally be with Felix. 

 

Changbin barely breathed as he crept downstairs, flinching at every creak the old house made with his each of his steps, his backpack rustling causing him to stay alert for any sign that anyone could be awake. Pausing a moment at the bottom of the staircase to retie his shoelace, he heard slow footsteps coming from the hallway to his left, as if someone was being hesitant, cautious. Belatedly, he realised that he had nowhere to hide. The footsteps were drawing closer and Changbin sucked in a breath as he prepared to be caught. 

 

Jiyeon rounded the corner. Changbin exhaled in relief.

 

They looked at each other for a moment, both silently figuring the other one out.

 

“You got my message?” Changbin spoke first, unable to stand it any longer. Jiyeon just nodded in reply, stepping forward a little so that the moonlight pouring in from an adjacent window illuminated the bag she had slung over her shoulder. It was a handbag, expensive probably, and clearly not very practical but Changbin supposed she’d had no idea that this series of events would occur, so he couldn’t blame her for being unprepared. Though looking wildly out of place next to Changbin in his cargo pants and black outerwear, Jiyeon’s stony gaze complemented Changbin’s stiff stance perfectly and, despite her less than suitable skirt and blouse combination, she gave off an aura of intimidation. It was strange, the way they fitted together so instantly. They’d barely spoken to each other and yet there was a sort of mutual understanding between them that dictated where they stood with each other. There was respect there. It felt… good.

 

They didn’t know where it would take them as they stepped out of the front door into the night. They didn’t know if it was the right choice. All they knew was that it was their only hope at a future worth living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tysm for bearing with me and reading !! <3


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